I got laid off from work. This has really made me think about how little confidence I have. The thought of going to job interviews and having people scrutinizing me and judging me is paralyzing at times.
Suddenly the way pretentious and egotistical people act makes perfect sense, I have that much more sympathy for them. Life is so stressful and full of people and experiences that wear us down. What better way to survive than to constantly tell oneself and others how great we are and putting other people down, especially those who just want to tear us down? It's one of those things that might sound obvious, but now I really really get it.
I have a case of imposter syndrome. It helps to look at my resume that I updated a few years ago even though I feel like it's someone else's resume. I look at it and think "Did I do that?" in that Family Matters' Urkel-voice.
I feel like there is nowhere I can get good advice or a realistic perspective. People love to give advice and spout talking points about job markets they have absolutely no experience in. Job postings are notoriously misleading.
But I know that I just have to update my resume and put it out there. Collect severance and unemployment, prepare for interviews, and wait.
I will look for a similar software engineering job, but I have a new idea: playing online poker. I was reading an advice forum and it was suggested to an intelligent but socially anxious individual. When the idea hit me that I could try that, I heard a tone in my right ear. I certainly have the brains for it, and I get the distinct impression from what I've read it just takes a bit of studying and practice to make a profit. What a perfect job for someone like me. The strategy behind card games comes easily to me, my problem though is that often I have trouble paying attention. But then another problem is do I have the discipline to stick to such a crazy scheme? Do I like poker enough to study and play it every day? I guess I'll have to see, for now I am still learning basic rules like a flush is better than a straight which is better than 3-of-a-kind.
In other news, I finished reading The Goat Foot God. It was engaging enough while I read it, but now that I am done I feel unsatisfied. The main theme of the book, unintentionally, seems to be "Life is good when you have money."
Reading the book now seems timely. The main character experiences a big change in his life, and here I am freshly laid off from my job I had felt secure in for many years. I naturally relate to the main female character though: an independant humble but intelligent woman. In the book the main male character sometimes spontaneously experiences his past life as a monk. My boyfriend seems to have a similar problem. Just the other I heard him yelling "go away! you're not welcome here!" in the shower. I asked him if he was okay, and he said for a moment he felt like he was somewhere else. (He is diagnosed with one or more psychiatric issues and mysterious debilitating health problems. He is able to keep a job and we enjoy spending time together, so I do not really worry about it. Sometimes I pray for a way to help him, but I intuit that he's just living his fated path, and perhaps deep down he does not want to/is not ready to get better.)
Anyway, I feel so cut off from my magical work lately. I should at least meditate every day, and practice pathworking, start reading The Sea Priestess.
However, not long ago I did do a banishing. I followed the instructions from the book, Sacred Magic of the Angels by David Goddard, to banish some of my health troubles: a variety of autoimmune troubles and chronic pain that seem increasingly common in modern society. I evoked the Angel Uriel. Looking back at my notes, just 9 days after doing that I lost my job. I think these two events are probably related. I do feel better, healthwise, besides feeling anxious and demoralized about losing my job. But before that I did an invoking ritual, I wanted knowledge about my connection to a certain person at work that I felt a strong connection to. Now it is likely I will never see that person again. Perhaps that is another influence.
Oh wow, looking back just now at what is written about Uriel, I really should not be surprised I lost my job: "Uriel rules separation and divorce, and breaks the bonds peacefully but effectively... Uriel's ways of bringing about results when he has been invoked are sudden and often devastating, so be prepared for upheavals in your life when you call on him." I read that before but was skeptical and did not pay much attention to it. I was prepared to have nothing noticable happen.
I am looking again at the book now. In the book I see it notes he is the "patron of astrology". That is significant because of this: I remember when I came home right after being laid off, one of the first things I did was go to my altar in my bedroom to meditate and pray for guidance and strength. I wondered if I should search for a new career, I am proud to work as an engineer, but working in a office seems unreasonably stressful for a sensitive person as myself. The angels above surely do not want to keep torturing me for no reason. Soon a silent voice told me I should consider being an astrologist. It said I would be good at it.
I was suddenly strongly motivated to go research professional astrology on the internet, so I got up and went to my computer. I came across a good quote by J.P. Morgan: "Millionaires do not consult astrologers, billionaires do". However, quickly I came away concluding that my trying to be an astrologer would be a terrible and completely unrealistic idea. That's an underground job market where connections and people skills are everything when it comes to making money off of it. I decided to just note that that was what happened, that was what message I received even if I should not take it at face value, and keep an open mind. Being an astrologer for rich and powerful people does sound pretty swank. But now I think emphasizing astrology was just Uriel's way of making me realize he was connected to this incident.
I should have realized this sooner. I really need to look back at my journal more regularly.
I have imposter syndrome about being a witch too. I am not some serious triple-blackbelt O.T.O. member with encyclopediac knowledge of Geomatria nor a 6th-degree Wiccan Priestess, but over the years I have gained so much wisdom and understanding that is hard to put into words and seems rare even among the certified initiates and priests. But deep down part of me feels like it does not count. Once again I did a magical working that worked, but it is just not sinking in right now yet. But now I am at a point where I really feel like magic is something natural, not miraculous or even a big deal, since at the end of the day it still involves plenty of thinking and planning and work. But I am proud of that having accomplished this mindset. I'll write something more on this subject later.
